It has been six years since my Wallie passed away, so much loss since that day. It has been a day filled with memories of days in the past. I spent most of the day in bed, seems Ankylosing Spondylitis wanted to be a pain in my AS.....
Today I am grateful to have memories to carry me through the painful days.
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My heart breaks for Lisa as she says her final goodbye to her husband. There are so many things I wonder about.
Today I am grateful for all of those wonderful beings that have crossed my path.
Rest in peace Jerrel.
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On this day in 2017 we were guest of Imagine Dragons and
they treated us like royalty. Here is what I wrote on that day to my AS
community when I shared the wonderful news.
So many things to share and so many acts of kindness. Was a
lifetime experience to share with my favorite people in the world. He
remembered me! Said it was great to see me, hugged me, same with Christy, the
kids are in awe because he said it was an honor to meet them. The kindness,
love, and compassion these men showed my family during the greet and meet and
all in between will never be forgotten. I can't walk today the pain is so severe,
but I would do it a million times over!
To experience, watch and feel nothing but pure joy and
freedom of worry of all the burdens they carry was the most humbling and
amazing thing. Shout out to my friend Johnny for making the ride possible.
Shout out to Imagine Dragons for taking the time to meet my family. And a huge
shout out to all of you who have supported me for years, encouraging me and for
believing in me, we've come a long way from that woman writing her suicide
letter so many years ago. I hope that through my experiences that people will
hold on to hope and live the life they were meant to.
Dan Reynolds, Austin, Cookie, Daniel Platzman, Taylor, Ben McKee,
Wayne Sermon, Hunter, and Christy.
Today I am so grateful for this experience, I remember all
of us being so happy and carefree while we were there. I am so grateful for the
memories of this amazing time in our lives.
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The kiddos have been making the new place theirs little by little. This afternoon Christy sent me a picture saying look what I did.
I told her that just warmed my heart, she said yeah, I finally did it only took me a year. I replied it took you the amount of time you needed, and it was the perfect time to.
After my conversation with Christy I was notified of a friends death, Rest in Peace Jerrel.
Today I am grateful that my daughter is starting to make it
their home now.
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It was four years today that we all gathered in the chapel to say goodbye to Austin. I remember sitting there lost in thoughts thinking surely this is a nightmare and that I will wake up soon. But it wasn’t, the horrible truth was when this was over, we were going to be leaving this wonderful kind and precious human being here.
I try so hard to not let the rage suffocate me, and the sorrow
paralyze my heart, but it does at times.
Life after this day has been difficult for all of us. I remember
one day when we were all gathered around having our many discussions, my favorite
part of life was sitting around my kiddo’s talking about things people would be
stunned to know we discussed, but nothing was off limits, and I mean nothing.
We were talking about organ donations, donating ourselves to
science and things we wanted if it was our time to leave, this conversation had
taken place years before today. I made
the comment I was afraid over time I would be forgotten when I was gone.
Of course, we all said to each other we would never forget
each other. But Austin said Nanny if your loved one is in your heart and memories,
and you still say their name they will never be gone. You are only gone when your
name is no longer said.
Today I am grateful that we all speak about him every day
and say his name.
We love you Austin, we miss you and we are forever grateful
for the nineteen years we were blessed with you and the cherished memories you gave
to us.
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It was a quiet day, the weather is cool, so I had the windows and doors open all day airing out the house. I find it comforting hearing all the dogs snoring while napping.
My emotions are all over the place, but I am discovering
the rage inside doesn’t feel as explosive these past few days. I now find
myself just exhausted from sorrow. We have lost so much family these past four
years, the sorrow is killing me.
I spent some time going through my pictures on my phone, so many wonderful memories stored there.
Today I am grateful for phones that allow you to take as many pictures as you want and doesn’t cost you anything. Such beautiful memories to treasure at your fingertips.
Snap away you will not regret it! Even if they are not smiling!
Our family is in morning over the loss of Matthew Perry his wonderful sense of humor, and his skills as an actor brought many smiles to our dark world. You will never be forgotten and always appreciated.
Rest in peace Matthew
Today I am grateful the laughter he brought to all of us.
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The world is such a heartbreaking place, my heart goes out to the Maine Community, as a person whose family has experienced a mass shooting in their own community where my grandchildren lost loved ones. Please know we have you in our hearts. Remember that there are people who honestly care, keep the outside noise out… it will not serve any purpose in the days and years to come.
Today I am grateful that my loved ones in Maine are safe and will keep those I do not know in my heart.
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It is the fourth anniversary of Austin’s passing and we have all decided to gather at Christy’s house to spend a day of remembrance. Austin’s friends, and family were in attendance, and it was so wonderful.
The menu consisted of just foods and drinks that Austin loved, BBQ pulled pork, coleslaw, potato salad, baked beans, lemon and carrot cake and lots more.
I spent most of my time with Hunter due to him still recovering from hip surgery and we entertained each other with our favorite memories of Austin.
I leaned so many amazing new things that I never knew about him and everyone else did too.
Everyone should do this it does a soul good.
Today I am grateful for this beautiful day and all the wonderful new memories I will have of Austin; it has dulled the rage a little bit. I hope that will continue in the days to come.
I found out today that Jonathan our Faces of AS 0390 has passed away. I have not found out the exact day. He was a dear friend of mine, but we had not connected in a long time mainly due to my grief over Austin. May you rest in peace gentle man. JVA
Today I am grateful to have known you and was able to call you my friend.
Sometimes I wished I had known that October 20, 2019, would be the last day that our family would be complete. The things I would have said, the things I would have done differently. Life is so cruel and wonderful all rolled up in one.
But Today I am grateful that I didn’t know…
October 19, 2019, is one of my most cherished days of my life, it is the last day that I spent with Austin. As time goes on there are more things I remember about this day and cherish that much more.
Your Nanny misses you Duck.
I love you sweet Austin.
Today and every day I am grateful for EVERY SECOND I was blessed to know this beautiful human being.
One of the most beautiful smiles stopped smiling today. Thank you for having the courage to show women everywhere they deserved equal pay.
Rest in peace Suzanne Somers.
Today I am grateful for the beautiful smiles you gave to the world.
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Today Jennifer notified me to let me know that Scott our Faces of AS 0415 passed away on October 1, 2023. He was such a wonderful person and dear friend.
After letting everyone know I decided to update Faces Who Will Never Be Forgotten page, I needed to add Jackie, Nicole, Shawna, Hedy, Rachel, Justin, Ashley, and Scott my phone rang. It was a vendor I do business with, he said I was on his mind, and he wanted to reach out to me.
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I found out about your passing today, I am heartbroken for your sweet family. I wished I had known but I have spent this year staying to myself trying to heal many things.
I was so shocked to hear that you were no longer with us, but at the same time I wasn't you have suffered so. My heart breaks for Patrick and Lillian and the heartbreak they will carry forever.
Today I must find gratitude that now you will be able to be a mother to Lillah, may you rest in peace Ashley.
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It was one year ago today that I came home to find it looking like a murder scene, sadly I know firsthand what that looks like exactly. The floors and wall were covered in blood and there in the middle of the living room was my sweet precious Kittie.
Kittie had just turned twenty years old, she had two massive
tumors, one on her neck and one in her abdomen, we had decided not to remove
them due to her age.
Other than that, she still believes and acts like she is
about three years old. She was never affected by them until that day.
My worst fear for her has come true, the vet said that the
one on her neck would one day begin to get large till it ruptures. But we both
agreed to do nothing till that day because other than that she is happy, healthy,
and living her best life.
In shock and feeling incredibly guilty I loaded her up and
took her to the Vet. After much deliberation we decided to have her euthanized.
He assured me there was no way for her to recover from this. I knew that in my mind,
but my heart did not want to accept it.
I remember it like it was this morning, she was sitting up
in the wagon, batting her beautiful eyes, wagging her tail, and looking around
like where is he? She was Kittie to the very moment she closed her eyes.
Kittie was his very first animal to see all those years ago
and I was so relieved he would be with us during this time. We spent a lot of
time letting everyone say their goodbyes. Feeding her goodies and just kissing
her all over her sweet little face.
It was peaceful, I was sitting on the floor with her,
telling her how much I loved her, how blessed we were, what a good girl she was
and that Wallie, Daisie, and Rufus will be there waiting for you. I kissed her sweet
little face and then she was gone.
I miss her, it is strange that my house that has four dogs is
so quiet. She was bigger than life, always running through the halls barking
and so excited. She was always so happy
and such a sweet baby.
We miss you Miss Kittie, I hope that you are running the
hallways of heaven announcing to everyone that it is dinner time.
Today I am grateful that I was blessed to love that sweet little
girl for twenty years. Mommy loves you sweet girl.
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It was a quiet and peaceful day; I spent the day doing things I needed to do around the house. I managed to catch up with a few people and spend some quality time alone. I wish everyday could be this quiet. But my favorite part of today was my conversation with Hunter. He never ceases to amaze me with his intelligence and the way that he views the world.
We talked politics, religion, where words originated and why and how they changed over time. This kids have always been so freaking smart it is mind blowing and so wonderful to learn from them. They have taught me how to be kind, forgiving, compassionate and loving.
Today I am grateful for quiet days and catching up with old
friends and wonderful teachers! I am so grateful that I am blessed to be the nanny to Hunter, Austin and Taylor and the mother of Christy. They are my heart and soul.
It has been twelve years since you left this world, and still your impact on others is still as strong as it was then.
There have been many times over the years that I have gone
to your blog to gather strength. I have your message of Choose Joy and your
book on my wall still to this very day.
I am still amazed at your strength, faith, courage, and the
beautiful grace you chose to live your life.
I am not sure there is a heaven, but I pray there is, I can
imagine how beautiful it is now because of you.
I just wanted you to know that you are still thought of, almost
daily if I am to be honest.
Rest in peace Sweet Sara thank you for teaching us how to Choose
Joy, those two words have helped me to try and find gratitude for every day
that I am blessed with.
Today I am grateful for stumbling across you and your
beautiful message.
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As I follow behind her to go into the DVM, to take her final exam to get her driver’s license. I am overwhelmed with so much pride and love that I must stop and just watch her. I settle down in a chair and begin reading If You Tell by Gregg Olsen and wait.
I am not sure how long before I heard Nanny, I’m ready to go. I looked up but her expression was not giving me any clues. So once again I follow her out, I said Well did you pass?
She looked at me like WELL DUH but just said Yep.
I laughed on the way back home I said does it feel different
now? Yes, it does. I let memories fill my mind of this beautiful little girl.
Oh my gosh what sunshine she brings to such a dark cold world. I remember a prayer
I once said, lord please let me live long enough for her to remember me when I
am gone.
I have been blessed with so much more, I have been blessed with participating in the wonderful events of her life, watching closely during the hardships of her life, always amazed by her.
I want to be just like her when I
grow up.
We finally make it back home and I am blessed to be a quiet
observer. I visit with Hunter and Christy for awhile and then I head back home.
On my way home I let the tears of joy and sorrow flow
freely.
Today I am grateful to have been a part of these amazing
people’s life and to watch them overcome whatever life brings their way. I will be eternally grateful that my prayer was answered.
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My heart is heavy today for my best friend and her family, who have all become my family. I pray that the beautiful memories of Susan, their wife, mother, grandmother, family, and friend will be so strong that there will be no room for grief. That is my prayer for them, but I know that will not be the case, it never is.
I wish I had gotten to meet this beautiful person in real life, but I knew her to be loving, compassionate, forgiving, and wonderful all wrapped up with a beautiful smile.
I imagine her forever is covered with Jenna’s beautiful paintings and sunflowers she is tenderly growing with her love. I can picture how delighted she is to be there, free of pain and sorrow, knowing nothing but joy and love.
I will be forever indebted to this beautiful human being who was able to see past the ugliness of my world and be compassionate enough to see the real me and welcome me into her family.
I nicknamed her Sunflower Susan, but I have never shared that until now.
Today is a day of gratitude for Susan and the beauty that she graced our lives with.
Rest in peace Sweet Susan, you are loved, missed and most of all cherished.
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