Just One

Before you place judgement or decide it could never be you…

Remember you are one diagnosis away from being sick. 

Remember you are one pill from being a drug addict.

Remember you are one lost job from being unemployed.

Remember you are one paycheck from being homeless.

Remember you are one decision from being from the wrong side of the tracks... 

Remember It only takes one... 

One kind word, 

One kind act,

One decision 

To make a difference in someone's life.

Be Careful

If you don't want the consequences than be a little more careful with your actions.

                                                                           

No Choice

Saying or presuming I will become a drug-addict because I take pain medicine daily, weekly or monthly is as asinine as someone saying you will become an alcoholic because you drink socially. 

Difference between us, is I have NO CHOICE in having a disease that causes chronic pain every single day of my life, you have the choice to drink or not.


#iamachronicpainsufferernotanaddict

Marks Left Behind

My food for thought for the day: Wouldn't it be interesting if that every time we said something to someone there would be a VISIBLE reaction? For instance, a little heart appeared on them when you said something kind and loving and a drop of blood appeared each time you didn't!

Think about that, you may not SEE the marks you leave on someone from your words or actions, but I promise you they are there, and IT'S UP TO YOU which MARK you leave on someone.

So, ask your self what kind of mark will you be leaving behind?

Mark it well my friends.

Hardest Thing In Life

Someone asked me the other day what was the hardest thing that I have ever done or gone through in life. WOW... where do I start?

She said you can only have one thing because only ONE thing can be the HARDEST.

True.....so I thought long and hard and finally said "accountability".

She politely answers WTF!

I said holding myself and others accountable has been the HARDEST thing I have ever gone through or done in my life.


And that is the truth!

Beautiful Things In Life

“When we soak up the 

small beautiful things in life,

  it is then our life 

becomes beautiful 

in a large way.” 

Love Me

"If you love me enough to comfort me

 during my sorrows and struggles 

then you should love me enough

 to rejoice with me during my joy 

and accomplishments, 

if not then you don't
need to be in my life." 

Greatest Gift

"The greatest gift that 

I have ever given to myself, 

was taking away 

the power of others." 

Value

"Each person's merit of value 

should be established by

 what he does and how he acts

 not by who or what you think he is." 

Being Real

" There is no need
being dramatic
when being real 

and

 when being real
 there is no need
 to be dramatic."

Lessons

“I'm not the lessons I've been taught in life,

 I'm the lessons I want to teach.”

Your Best

Your best is your best

AND

Not everyone's best 

looks the same!

It's My Party

It's My Party and I Will Cry If I Want To!

You can have a pity party as big as you want...

But remember

You just can't unpack 

and 

LIVE THERE!

  

  

Amazing S...

Warning light hearted vent:

Rated R has dirty word in it, Oh my...

I have decided that AS should stand for Amazing Shit.

I find it amazing that doctors will say over and over.

We are not sure what AS is

We are not sure if it’s autoimmune or just inflammatory

We are not sure if this or that gene determines if you have AS or not

We are not sure what causes AS

We are not sure how to treat it

To be honest we are not sure about shit.

BUT…. They will say amazing shit like WE know for sure…..

Women don’t get AS

Women hurt but don’t fuse

Women rarely get AS and if they do it is milder than mens

Women are more prone to suffering less

I find it amazing that there is so much they don’t know but they will argue and stand 10000% percent behind this stupid sh&t of men/women.

That honestly should make NO difference who cares if men get it more or if women get it more than men do, the fact is WE ALL GET IT,

AS = Amazing Shit = being 100 percent sure on some things about a disease no one knows anything for certain about

Shaking my head sad thing is I have HEARD everyone of these. I am just trying to find a little humor in this.

Cancer Of The Soul

I attempted to go to bed early but ended up watching Amish Grace about the man who killed the little girls in the Amish community while they were at school. This was a man they have seen every day and trusted. He was so consumed with grief, anger, and bitterness over the death of his daughter that he became someone he wasn’t. He planned and set in motion six days prior to murder these little girls in the name of righteous anger. In the bitterness and anger that took over him, he believed that it was his right for revenge and to do horrible things to innocent people because of the death of his daughter.

Did he have the right to hate God and not forgive him or the doctors who couldn’t save his daughter?

Maybe or maybe not. No one has the right to tell another person how to grieve the loss of a loved one, or how to learn to live with a tragedy that has turned their life around, but no one has the right to make others pay for something they are not responsible for or have no control over.

He let his anger consume his heart so much that there was just no room for love. I call that Cancer of the Soul.  One of the sad things about this event was that his wife and children paid for his sins, guilt by association. She had no idea that the man who came home and played with their children, kissed her, ate dinner and slept in her bed, was planning a cold-blooded calculated murder, but they paid the price.

People forget you only know a person as much as they allow you too. People are different in different situations in their lives based on beliefs, based on upbringing, based on things from their past that has molded them into the person they are today but most of all based on who they are inside their soul.

I know people say they are the same all the time, but that is impossible, you are different in every aspect of your life. Every person brings out something different in you. If you say that is not true, that you are the same person all the time, then you speak an untruth. You are not the same with your parents as you are with coworkers, you are not the same with coworkers as you are with your boss, and you are not the same with your children as you are with your spouse. You may stay true to who you are and your beliefs, but we are very complex beings that many roles and factors play in making us the person that we are.

One of the saddest things that I witnessed in this movie was the wife of this man who did this act was so filled with “guilt” for something she didn’t do or have any control over that she tried to pay for this act by helping the Amish and for paying for the crime of her husband. It was the most beautiful act of kindness toward another human being to watch the Amish community embrace her and her children in her time of grief and sorrow.  When she was burying her husband they even came to stand by her side to wrap and surround her with love, support, and compassion.

I find it ironic, that as difficult as it is for me to wrap my head around the hatred I have witnessed in this world, I have had just as much difficulty wrapping my head around that much love.

There was one part where the mother of one child who was murdered was angry at her husband because of his faith he chose to forgive the man for killing his daughter. She screamed at him how he could he dishonor their daughter by doing this.

He said forgiveness of the person was not for the person but for himself. He said it is not his right to punish a person for their wrongs, that responsibility laid elsewhere. He said that the act of forgiving is for the person who is forgiving, so that they may empty their hearts of hatred and anger and move forward with their lives.

I have always been criticized by people in my life that know what I have gone through, for being able to forgive and move forward. You never forget it changes who you are, but I don’t choose to make myself or others pay for actions that were not of their own doing or that I had no control over. We are only responsible for our own actions and ourselves.

I tell the people in my life who are upset at me that it is my choice to give people the benefit of the doubt for what they do and to forgive those who have hurt me and move forward. Some of these people remain in my life and some don’t.

If you hold on to every hurt someone has done to you or every wrong you feel you have been done or every little thing you think you are right over or better than, then your heart and soul becomes consumed with bitterness and anger, that there is no room in your heart for love, forgiveness or compassion.

This is not about religion this is about the core of your being and how you choose to live your life.

I refuse to live a life of

black or white,

hate or love,

anger or forgiveness,

truth or assumptions,

Judge or not judge

I live my life in the gray shadows, where forgiveness if offered, benefits of doubts are given, people are responsible for what they do, people are accountable for their own actions and decisions based on asking questions, seeking out the truth and going with your heart and gut on making decisions about things. I ask for forgiveness, I own my mistakes and wrong doings, I try to correct what I can and work on doing better the next time.

I have been made fun of for being naïve or simple in my way of thinking, believe me, what I have been through in my “real” life has left me anything but naïve of the cruelties of the world.

I just choose to look for the good in people, I choose to forgive and ask for forgiveness and move forward, I believe in second chances and I also believe there comes a time when you can only do so much and you remove yourself from the situation or people who do not allow you to be who you are, who you need to be or who you want to be.

There have been times in my life that I have lived in fear due to the actions of others and hid from them and inside myself in order to survive.  This month in 1980 I stopped to purchase gas in the middle of the day one mile from my work. I was struggling to make the pump work and finally managed to get it to begin to pump. A man came up to me and placed his hand on my arm and only said one word. Come.  I turned and smiled and said Oh I got it working thank you! He tightened his grip to the point that it was painful and growled come. When I turned to tell him that it was really ok, the look on his face stopped my words. In a panic, I turned to run only to be stopped by a man who had come up on the other side. I was born deaf and after medical miracles, I have the minimal hearing in my left ear. In my panic and fear, I tried to climb over my truck, to get away, instead of trying to run past them.  In my upbringing of children are seen and not heard and afraid to speak out when hurt, I couldn’t scream loud.  The pumps were set up where the people in the store couldn’t see me, they dragged me to the back of my truck to where a white pickup with other men in it sat waiting. I began to fight harder, but let me tell you, you can prepare and say you would do this or that, but evil people prepare for what they have planned and the element of surprise is how they win.

My guardian angel that day ended up having a busted radiator hose and needed water and stopping at the first gas station he came to. To be honest I am unable to share the rest partly because I don’t remember and partly because I can’t. I ended up wearing bruises that showed the perfect handprints of these men on my arms for weeks upon weeks. I scrubbed myself till I bled trying to remove them.

I listened to people preach at me telling me, WELL I WOULD have DONE THIS. I WOULD have DONE THAT, blah blah blah, you have no idea how you would react in ANY situation in your life until you are there. I watched my husband live with guilt because he wasn’t there to protect me. I listened to ignorant people place the blame on him because I shouldn’t have been there. It was one of the most difficult times of our lives.

Two weeks later I received a phone call. After pages and pages of pictures of men and trucks and a lineup. Two of the men were caught. The charges against them for what they had done to me were never brought to court; you see I was a backup plan just in case. These men had abducted, raped, and brutally murdered another woman two hours after the incident with me.

I became so consumed with fear that I sold my truck so they couldn’t find me. I stopped going places by myself. I blamed myself for that woman’s murder; I blamed myself for their actions.  I let that one incident consume me so much that I was no longer me.

You are the person you are because of things that happen in your life the good and the bad, you are the person you are because of your choices and decisions on how you allow things to affect you.

One day I decided that I was no longer going to live in fear, and I was no longer going to hide and pretend to be someone I am not. I took charge of my life and accountability of the things I am responsible for in my life.  That is how I choose to live my life.

I hold people and myself accountable and responsible for our own actions not the actions of others.

I forgive those who have hurt me because I look at the intent in which the act was done, not the act itself.

I ask for forgiveness when I have wronged someone and sometimes when I am not in the wrong because sometimes that person is more important to me than the fact of being right.

I refuse to live my life in fear of people, if I have the ability to remove them from my life, I do.

I refuse to hide and change my identity when I have done nothing wrong.

I stand up for what I believe in and what I think is right. I have nothing to hide and I have nothing to fear.

I refused to be blamed for things that were beyond my control and refused to allow my husband to pay the price.

It saddens me that society has come to the point they are so self-righteous and so self-consumed that their whole world revolves around a three-foot diameter surrounding them.

Maybe I am wrong in how I feel, but I would rather focus on the positive things in life, and in people than be consumed by the negative things.

I live my life simple.

Give forgiveness and benefits of the doubt and ask for forgiveness and benefits of doubts.

I believe in God, but I am not a person of religion. I believe in love, compassion, kindness, understanding, forgiveness, and faith.

I am so thankful that I am on the last part of my journey called life.

I am thankful that I come from a generation of the simple life.

After watching that story last night, I wish I had been born Amish.

To be able to have that type of love for your fellow-man, was one of the most beautiful things I have ever had the honor of witnessing.

You can only hold so much in your hearts fill it with something worth having.

Dedicated to My Guardian Angel May you rest in peace.

Dedicated to the one that I failed to save that day, may you rest in peace.

A willingness to forego vengeance does not undo the tragedy or pardon the wrong, but rather constitutes the first step toward a future that is more hopeful.

Is The Grass Greener

People always say the grass is greener on the other side. I have heard that phrase many times. Living in the country and on ten acres of land has given me a new out look on this saying. So many times a day when I am driving around I will notice goats and cows with their heads squeezed through the fence just to get that one little blade of grass on the other side. It always brings a smile to my face and laughter to my heart. I have even been so bold to take that same little goat and put it on my side of the fence to watch it stick its head back through and struggle to eat the same blade of grass it was just ignoring. Amazing.
But that phrase holds a different meaning for me, one that is always close to my heart. I have been on both sides of the fence when it comes to health concerns. I have been the caretaker and the one cared for, and believe me both sides are difficult. If I were, to be honest, I would have to say the side of the fence that is greener to me is being the person who is sick, but during times of extreme illness and pain, I assure you that feeling changes for me.
When I am sick, I have the understanding of my illness, knowing that everything that can be done is being done. I come to terms with whatever is going on at the time, deal with it and accept it and go on. It is difficult and challenging I assure you but it isn’t soul wrenching, my fate is accepted.
But I have been on the other side of the fence and it is horrible being the caretaker. You struggle with so much more than the patient does, helplessness, guilt, shame, anguish, and despair, to name a few. I speak only for myself, only from my own experiences and believe me I have been on both sides of the fences enough to feel that I have the knowledge to speak freely.
I don’t remember a time in my life that I was ever healthy. I remember when my husband asked my father for my hand in marriage, he said well you better make sure you always have good health insurance she is sickly. I was sixteen at the time. I have struggled with the deterioration of my health and the fact that I am no longer able to do a lot of things for my self and my heart breaks for my family’s future concerning me.
I remember the toll it took on my sister when we were in our teens. My father had a massive heart attack and later my mother had a mental breakdown and my sister became the primary care taker of the home. I wonder what we would have been like had our lives been free of these tragic life-altering moments. I wonder.
My best friend fought cancer for several years and lost her battle when she was sixteen. It was agony sitting beside her bed watching her waste away. Every single day that I went to see her, I was able to see less life in her, and there wasn’t a single thing I could do. I felt hopeless and worthless unable to do anything to help. I was consumed with guilt beyond anyone’s imagination and it ate at me. I felt guilty for being able to live my life to the fullest and she couldn’t. That guilt still resides inside my heart.
My father had a massive stroke when I was twenty-four leaving him unable to speak and being paralyzed on his right side. Watching the struggles and frustration and anger that my father endured was heart-wrenching and agonizing to us all. I prayed many times to be able to change places with him, but that was not meant to be. I felt horrible when we would try to figure out what he was trying to say and see the anger and hurt in his eyes and not being able to do anything about it.
I have been on both sides of the fence equally I would say.
If I were to be brutally honest I would have to say the side of the fence that I am on now is easier.
I know what it is like to look at someone you love in pain and not be able to do anything about it.
I know what it is like to watch someone you love die in agony and not being able to comfort them.
I know what it is like to pray for God to take you instead.
I know what it is like to sit beside someone trying to find words of encouragement.
I know what it is like feeling guilty when you walk away and your life continues.
Believe me, the grass is no greener on one side than it is the other.
I fight so hard to make this as easy for my family as I can, but I know I am failing miserably.
I don’t want them to have to deal with making decisions about my health or my death.
I don’t want them to be burdened with my care.
I don’t want them feeling anguish or guilt over not being able to do anything about this.
I just want them to know that I love them with everything I am and with everything I have and that I know if they could they would be on this side of the fence for me.

What Does It Say

What does it say about us as a society that would go to great lengths to humanely euthanize murderers but would sentence innocent people to life without parole?
What does it say about us as a society that we will stand in protest together to defend the rights of murderers but we silently ignore the plea of an innocent person?
What does it say about us as a society that we expect people to die for our freedom but we don’t allow people to have the freedom of choice?
What does it say about us as a society that we demand justice for murderers but we don’t demand the same for innocent people who are sentenced to a life of suffering?
What does it say about us as a society that we will stand with candles lighting up the darkness to protest the death of a murderer but silently hide in the dark when someone is struggling with their own death sentence?
What does it say about us as a society when there are more laws to protect murderers than there are to protect people whose only crime is being terminal ill?
I remember once having a debate about life support and the right to choose to die. We debated over our opinions and reasons about why we felt that way. I was amazed at this person who would argue so passionately about his belief that for no reason what so ever should anyone pull the plug on someone. We didn’t have the right to decide if someone should die or not. No one should have the right to choose to die. We should live no matter what! My heart was filled with sadness over the naiveté of such a statement. Later this person beliefs would be tested, when someone they loved was placed on life support, this same person who fought so hard to convince me they were right in their beliefs didn’t even have the courage to go into the intensive care unit to visit and witness what they believed so strongly about.
What does it say about us as a society that will fight so hard to make sure that you obey our beliefs, yet we don’t have the courage to sit quietly by your side while you suffer by society’s hand?
I watched my best friend battle cancer for years and in the last part of her life is where I learned my lesson about courage and heroism. During the months that I sat beside her, holding her hand and offering words of encouragement is where I learned the true meaning of empathy and understanding. I learned what it truly meant to suffer. I learned at the age of sixteen that death is not the worse thing that can happen to us. Suffering is.
I am not here to make you believe what I believe.
I am not here to make you understand.
I am here to ask that I have the same right to my beliefs that you do.
We should all have the right to choose how we die, if at all possible. I should be able to choose to die the same way, as I should be able to choose to live.
We have the freedom of choice in this country yet we are not free to choose. I believe everyone should have the right to make their own decision when it comes to making the decision about their own death. What does it say about us as a society who will humanely euthanize our pets or murderers but we won’t allow someone to die with dignity.
 “On October 27, 1997, Oregon enacted the Death with Dignity Act which allows terminally ill Oregonians to end their lives through the voluntary self-administration of lethal medications, expressly prescribed by a physician for that purpose.”
I think people should remember that death is not the worse thing that could ever happen to you. I don’t make that statement lightly I assure you watching loved ones suffer for years with illness, it is not with an innocent heart that I speak out.  I know for me it isn’t about suffering from Ankylosing Spondylitis and other serious health issues due to this disease, it is about freedom of choice.  At one time my life was so consumed with pain that I purchased a pistol from a pawn shop and carried it with me every day for many years. To this day I don’t know if I would have had the courage to use it, but it comforted me knowing I had a choice in my suffering. I know there may come a time when I may choose to take my own life. It isn’t that I am suicidal far from it; I have a zest for life and am thankful for every moment I am allowed to be here. I want the choice if it becomes necessary to take my own life, legally and without stigma. I want my family to know that I loved them enough to fight every day through pain, fear, and illness to be here with them every moment that I could.  I also want my family to love me enough to allow me to go when it becomes too much to bear.
Judge me only after you have lived in my body, that is all I ask.
Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

                            

God's Will

Please remember these are only my thoughts and my beliefs. Everything on this website is only to share with you an insight into my life and maybe help someone in some small way. I am not here to direct you in your faith or debate you about mine.
It is God’s will. I can’t begin to tell you how many times in my life I have heard that statement. It is a phrase that is given to you in your time of need, pain or grief and it is meant to comfort you during your time of sorrow.
I spent most of my youth believing that statement and finding no comfort in it. I went to church and a Baptist school and studied the word of God. I listened to every word and believed with every fiber of my body. I struggled to stay strong in my Christian faith as life brought trials and tragedies my way. My life has been filled with enough tragedies to last three lifetimes. So every where I turned I heard, it is God’s will. Remember God will never give you more than you can handle. A day finally came when I got the courage to question that. Is it really God’s will? Does he really place these burdens and pain on your shoulders to carry? I can almost hear you gasping over the internet lines, oh my God she is going to hell for thinking like that. You may be right. I have no idea who is right or wrong, does it really matter? I would think it only matters that we are good Christian people, doing good deeds and taking care of the blessings God has granted to us and teaching others about our faith.
I actually remember the first time I heard the words it is God’s will. I was seven years old. I had just begun paying attention to things, dragging out family albums questioning my mom for hours who is this, who is that? I remember finding our family bible and looking in it. I had read where my mom had written our family history. There on the page where you list your children’s name is where my struggles began. Brenda was listed first, she is my big sister and I wanted to be just like her. Below her name was Kenneth and Keith, I had no idea who they were or why they were on this page, then Cheryl. (well now you know my secret) As a seven-year old child I was fascinated to see my name in a book, but who were these boys that my mother had written in our family bible. I remember running into my parent’s room and asking about them. Forty-five years later as I type this I can still see the pain on her face that my innocent questioning had caused. Tears fill my eyes now as I remember. I can hear her soft ragged whisper, they were your twin brothers.
My eyes went wide and my mouth hung open. Brothers? I have twin brothers? Where are they? Why aren’t they here with us? My mother took the bible from my hands and sat down on the side of the bed, holding it close to her heart. I waited. She closed her eyes and said your brothers died when they were babies. My world of innocence was shattered that day. I began crying, screaming at her why? She whispered it was God’s will. God’s will? It was God’s will? My wonderful God had allowed MY brothers to die as babies? Even as a child I was shaken to the core and lost in my understanding of God. I cried my self to sleep every night for months for a loss that I would never truly understand, until now. What reason would it be for God’s will to allow my mother and father to have twin boys who would live only two weeks? I struggled with this for a long time, mourning for my brothers. I would never have a big brother to protect me. I would never see my father’s name carried on into the next generation. I would never see God the same.
Years would pass before I would hear those words again. Life had resumed and as always time makes sorrow easier to bear. I remember the phone ringing and then heard soft crying. I was eleven years old. I walked down the stairs to find my dad sitting on the side of his bed crying. I had never seen so much pain and anguish on anyone’s face before. I quietly walked away, never sharing this moment what I had witnessed. It was shocking to me to see my strong father broken. My father’s brother Robert had been killed in a car wreck. Once again the words would be repeated over and over. It is God’s will. I couldn’t understand why God would allow my dad to be hurt so deeply. My dad was a strong man and never cried and for him to be so hurt that he sobbed quietly in a dark room devastated me. I just couldn’t understand why everyone loved this God that would allow such things. For more times than I am able to share I heard that phrase over and over. There would be countless deaths, heart attacks, mental breakdowns, murders, suicides, strokes, blindness, house fires, floods, car wrecks and illnesses that would come into my life, all Gods' will of course.
I struggled with my faith. I was still involved in the church and functions at my Baptist school. I listened and studied the word intently, absorbing it deeply into my soul, those words are still engrained there. There were many times when I was alone in the dark, I would question my faith. I believed what the preacher’s said, I believed the Bible, and I believed in God. During the daytime I was the devoted Christian, at night I was a lost lamb of God.
(Kate Stone)
For months I knelt by my bed, head lowered and a cross in my hand, sobbing and begging please don’t let her die. I would bargain with God every day, I will do anything please just don’t let her die. The pastor at my school knew what was going on in my life and brought me into his office one day where he counseled me about faith, prayer and God’s will. He showed me where in the bible it says Suffer little children, forbid them not, for their’s is the kingdom of heaven. He showed me where it talks about those who believe will have ever lasting life, and that we are not to question Gods will, we are to accept it. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. It would be several months of going into a hospital room every day watching my best friend slowly and painfully die that would test my faith in God. One day I walked in after spending that morning in the hospital chapel, I had been begging God to help me and to save Diana. I told him that I couldn’t lose her she was my best friend. (even now tears are streaming down my face and my throat is closed with emotion and pain) I went into her room and felt like I had been hit with a sledge-hammer. There in the bed at about sixty pounds laid my best friend with tubes in her, machines humming around her, so pale you couldn’t even see her in the sheets. I was consumed with guilt at that very moment when I realized this was what I was praying for? This is what I was bargaining for? Her lying there in so much pain that you couldn’t even touch her bed without her screaming. I realized at that moment my prayers had not been for her, but for me. I went home that night and laid in bed and sobbed until I had no more tears. I knelt on the side of the bed and asked God and Diana to forgive me. I told God I wasn’t ready to lose her and I doubt that I ever would be, and the pain I still feel today tells me I was right. I said a prayer to God…
Dear God,
What ever your will is, please do so now. If it is meant for her to die please take her now. If it is meant for her to live please make her well. I promise I will never pray for anyone to live again. I only ask that whatever happens from this day forward you give me the faith and strength to handle it and the courage to do so.  In Jesus name Amen.
That prayer was said on February 26, 1976, and was documented in my bible as a promise to God. Diana Lynn Wade died at the age of sixteen on February 27, 1976. She was and is my best friend and will be till the day I die. There are many times I pray that she realizes just how much she meant to me.
My husbands best friend Robert would be killed in a car wreck months later. Once again I wondered about Gods will.
There would be many life changing moments to come my way. So much tragedy and tragic events that I can’t handle thinking about it all. I finally came to a place in my faith that I was able to accept life and the challenges that were to come.
I honestly do not believe it was God’s will for my best friend to die of cancer, or my father’s stroke, or my mother’s nervous breakdown or that my grandson was born with a life threatening illness, and is blind, or that I personally knew seven people who were murdered, or that I knew thirteen people who have committed suicide, or that I attended sixty-seven funerals in eighteen months. I don't believe it is God's will that I suffer from Ankylosing Spondylitis. I don’t believe tragedies or the evil things that happen in this world are God’s will. I believe life just happens and that bad things happen to good people and that good thing happens to bad people.
I believe that God is with me, always guiding me, whispering words of encouragement when I am faltering. I believe that he gives me the faith and courage and strength to handle what life brings my way. I believe in the power of prayer and faith and I believe in God’s love. I believe in God’s will.
God’s will was when he created the Garden of Eden when he created animals to live in harmony and peace. I believe in God’s will when you hear about a stranger coming forth to help a child who has been hurt. I believe in God’s will when people gather around to take donations and do good deeds during times of catastrophes. I believe in God’s will when a doctor reaches out to a patient and offers him comfort and a warm smile. I believe in God's will when your infusion nurse sits in the chair beside you with empathy and love in her eyes and allows you to bare your soul. I believe in God’s will when a person reaches out to someone in their time of need with a heart filled with kindness, understanding, and compassion. I believe in God’s will when you look in the mirror and know that you have done your best to be a good person. I believe in the good of God’s will and God’s love.
I simply believe that life happens sometimes the way it is meant to and some ways that it is not. I believe it is God’s will when people turn a tragedy into good things to help others. I think it is the good that comes from something tragic that is really God’s will. We have the choice to change the course of our lives, and sometimes we don’t, no matter what comes your way, the good or the bad you still have the choice in how you handle it and what you allow your self to become afterward. I strive every day to do God’s will during the good and bad times of my life without questioning why, it is a promise I made on February 26, 1976.
My daughter, grandchildren, and my self-were evacuating from Hurricane Rita and drove till we found a motel that would take all of us and our dogs. We spent thirty-six hours trapped in traffic during that time. I told everyone we were going to pretend we were on vacation since we had been stuck in the truck so long that we could have been in New York, but were actually in Oklahoma. We went to a small creek, it was such a beautiful place, we played in the water and spent the day being silly.( It still holds a special place in our hearts.)
 
We decided that we would visit the Oklahoma City Memorial. That memory will be forever etched in my soul. I remember standing there in the darkness of the night with my family safe and sound. It was heart-wrenching being there where so many had suffered horribly from such an evil act. When you close your eyes, the pain, and anguish could still be felt. It was so breathtaking, and tranquil when you opened your eyes and seen the beauty that people had created out of the ashes of destroyed lives. Maybe it is God’s will when tragic things happen because it allows us to see the good in people and angels at work on earth.
That is the true meaning of God’s will.
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)
Let It Be   By The Beatles

My Apple Of Hope

Today, I sat in the yard of my new home. I will be able to move in about 10 days. Today is mother’s day and I spent it alone for the most part. I sat under the trees of this new home and let the tears roll down my cheeks. What a beautiful home, what a beautiful yard, and what a peaceful place to spend the final part of my journey called life.

I miss having a home, a real home. Hurricane Ike damaged our home and we made do for several reasons, one being to further our company and one to make sure my daughter and her family had a home and were settled after a fire destroyed their home. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I was going to write a story about my life with Ankylosing Spondylitis it is unique but the same as everyone else. I was going to write about my struggles with Ankylosing Spondylitis. Mine are no different or greater than any of the other stories I have read on this website. I decided to write about my hope in the final chapter of my life. I am a great believer that God gives us signs telling us if we are where we are suppose to be or doing what we are suppose to do. I have always told my family that if it is meant to be we will know and God will give us a sign. I have struggled emotionally the past month with demons and fears that want to take over. I have soul searched and asked God to help me through this. In the year 2001 I had a cervical fusion on my neck and a metal plate was left in place. It was two years ago this month that I found out I needed to have surgery to remove this plate because the disease has caused the bone to encase that plate and now is filling up the space between. In other words I have a ring of bone around my esophagus and it is filling in the space with bone. I have been struggling the past two years if I should have this surgery or not. I am tired. I am not a quitter and never have been, but I am confused on what I should do. I spent several months speaking to doctors and specialist about the dangers of this surgery and the complications and walked away so afraid that I went in to denial. I had time to decide they said. I spent months debating with my family some easy and some not so easy.

They were angry and upset with me because I didn’t want to have the surgery. They felt that I had abandoned them or not loved them enough no to fight anymore. How could I tell them I was more afraid of living with this disease and the outcome that could happen then I was of dying? How could I make them understand that my love for them was the major reason I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to live out the rest of my life in peace and enjoying what I had then to jeopardize it on this surgery. We all struggled with this each lost in our own pain, confusion and anger. I was angry that they were forcing me to do this and I would be the one to live with the consequences. They were angry at me for not loving them enough to do what ever I could to be here with them. It mattered to me the most that my daughter understand my choices and decisions what ever they may be.

It would be over a year when my phone rang and it was my daughter. I will never forget what she said. I said, “Hello?” Quietly in tears she whispered, “Mom, I love you and what ever you decide I will back you. Whether you have the surgery or not, I am behind you and will support your choice.”  I began to cry and told her that I loved her also.

I cried for hours after that phone call the relief and burden lifted that day was over whelming. It has been two years since they told me I needed my surgery and to this day I still have not had it. I am unsure if it is fear or acceptance that keeps me from having this surgery. My husband and daughter still tell me that I am going to have the surgery and my husband set out on a journey to find me a beautiful home to come home to after I have my surgery. He keeps telling me, you need a beautiful and healthy place to heal after your surgery honey. I said well darling this is what I want. I want a small yellow frame house with a wrap around porch trimmed in white. I want a yard full of trees and shade. I miss going outside and can’t where we live due to no trees. I want it up on stilts so we can enjoy the breeze off the gulf and no one can peek in when we are running around naked. I want it to be closed in down stairs so I can have a place to oil paint, and it must have concrete driveway and sidewalks. He laughed is that all? I said yep that is it. Seven has always been my lucky number, May 2 which adds up to 7, my husband found the exact house I wanted. We signed the papers on May 5, 2011 which equals up to 14 divide by us 2 and it equals 7. Laughs you have to love my logic! We bought our first home at the age of nineteen and the address was 8201 and this homes address is 2801. Today when sitting there I thought about the bird houses I wanted in the trees so I counted the trees that I wanted to put the bird houses in and it was seven. I know I have the signs from God letting me know it will be okay and that I am where I am suppose to be in this last chapter of my life. I used to oil paint as a child and the first painting I ever did was of an apple. I find it comforting that Ankylosing Spondylitis will always be associated with an apple from this day forward. I thank God that my family has gave me their blessing on allowing my surgery to be my choice. I wrote a piece called My Choice. It is my choice on how to live with this disease and my life to live as best as I can. I will sit on my new porch, make peace with my family, myself and God while sipping my iced tea waiting for the sign of which choice I should make on dealing with Ankylosing Spondylitis. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write as my story so I followed my heart and this is what my heart told me I should write. I wish you all a peaceful, happy and joyful journey we call life. My name is Cookie and I have AS and this is my apple for the day. This is my sign from God in the center of the apples a cross appears.

My Choice

Freedom of speech is protected by the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights and is guaranteed to all Americans even people who suffer from Ankylosing Spondylitis.

We all have the choice in how we deal with this disease. The history of this country has always been about hiding in the closet, alone in the dark with our fears and shame.

It has been the way of our society since the beginning of time. Think about it. This affects everything in life, job safety issues, whistle blowers, fraud, sexual harassment, child abuse, rape, and health.

In every aspect of our life, you have someone who feels they should keep it to themselves for whatever reason. Maybe it is the fear of not being believed, accepted or being judged, losing your job, health insurance or saving face. That you choose to keep it close to your heart never allowing anyone to know the truth is your right and your choice. This is YOUR LIFE to live the best way that you can.

Then you have those who feel the need to share, educate, inform, and change things.

The people who have the courage to stand up and say what they need to tell you.

It takes tremendous courage on either path you take.

It takes courage to deal with it alone or to share it with the world.

No one is right and no one is wrong.

Everyone needs to remember we have the choice to deal with what life throws our way. It is our choice.

It is our freedom.

It is our life.

I for one chose to live my life in the darkness, carrying this disease on my back alone. I have finally gotten the courage to share what my life has been like.

We are all working for the same cause.

We are all hoping to bring awareness to this disease.

We are all fighting for acceptance and understanding.

Maybe it is time we fused together to work for the same goal.

We fight our own bodies every day.

Our bodies attack us every day.

We fight for our doctors to listen.

We fight for our families to understand.

We fight our self for acceptance.

Yet we don’t give that to each other.

I live in a country that I am free to make my own choice.

That choice was given to me by the blood of people I have loved and never known.

I choose to STAND TALL.

I choose to speak out.

I choose to be honest about who I am.

I choose to share my truth of Ankylosing Spondylitis.

I choose not to judge anyone for how they decide to deal with their own life.

I choose to forgive those who don’t accept my choice of freedom.

When you choose to move forward, take with you the wisdom of the past, lessons learned, and do your best to make a difference in anything you choose to do.