This Little Light Of Mine

I reached out today to the Ankylosing Spondylitis community today. In the end, I told them how sorry I was for not being there, but it is hard to be there for others when you are struggling to be there for yourself.

At this moment in time, I only feel the darkness and that I am barely holding on, and have no light left in me. 

If I do it’s just a small shaky flicker.

But light is light and no matter how small of a flame it still shines large in the darkness.

I haven’t had the energy or courage to check messages when I tell you that I am in a dark place spiritually and emotional I am.

I saw the message..... call me and a phone number. I did not open it up but wrote the number down.

I sat there wondering do I really have anything to offer this person when I feel I am failing myself.

What if they need a ray of hope, a large bright light to help them through this darkness, what the hell do I have to offer, hypocrite of the year?

I ended up calling, I couldn’t not call and be able to live with myself. You see I try my best to be there but sometimes I miss the opportunity and then that is a pain I carry within.

It was one of my precious faces, and my heart broke that they are struggling in the darkness also.

Inside I thought what and how can I be of any help to this wonderful person, when my light is too tired to burn anymore.

I took a deep breath, opened my heart, and listened. I caught myself just speaking from the heart with no filter, and I mean NO filter. I shared information about myself that is unknown to others, I spoke of struggles and the darkness I am in now. I spoke of the time when I was living life by trying to survive the next sixty seconds and how it finally became day by day. 

I shared how Faces came about and what haunts me. I shared about my cookie happier life challenge. We laughed, cried, and had many aha moments.  While speaking to this wonderful person I have loved for many years I realized that no matter how dimmed we feel our light is or how dark a place we are living in, that light still has the power to shine. We must allow it to shine.

I don’t pretend to have the answers in life or grand adventures I’ve experienced to offer but I do have life experiences to share and my hope is by sharing them you will find something that makes your darkness a little lighter and your struggle a little bit easier.

Hours later we hung up and I would later find myself humming “This little light of mine” and I assure you at this time of my life it’s little! I laughed at myself but hum it I did and for hours. Catchy little tune for sure.

I hope that call gave him a gift of hope just as it did me.

Later on, my husband would bring in a package from the Spondylitis Society of America with an apology that it’s been in his truck for days. What could it be? I could not imagine what it could be. Maybe copy of the magazines that Dan and I are on the cover? Pamphlets to give away. I honestly had no clue because they hadn’t told me to expect anything nor did I order or ask for anything.

I kept it on the table admiring it for a while, enjoying the fun of wondering what is it!

Finally, I couldn’t take the suspense any longer and it turned out to be a box filled with love.

There were so many beautiful and touching gifts with so much thought and love put into each one of them. The kindness and love inside that box filled my heart with so much appreciation and love but gratitude mostly. 

The most amazing thing was the card... A lighthouse....with a message about how I shine a light on the AS community.

My lesson of the day is no matter how small your flame is or if you feel it's going to burn itself out, that no matter what when you share it, it becomes brighter.

Today I am grateful for the love I have in the community and that I haven't lost my hearts need to still reach out from within the darkness.