A Burdened Heart

I wonder if I had known what the future would hold in store for me would I have changed directions?

I could apply that question to so many areas of my life, but for now it is about my journey in the A.S. community.

It seemed so simple. I am stunned how naïve I was. My intentions were heartfelt. My heart was sincere, but…

I mean how hard could it be to go into a community, make friends, and lend a helping hand.

Listen to people with a compassionate heart. All you had to do is be open and sincere right?

One would think…. 

In the beginning it was fairly simple, just a few of us, open and honest communication. Friendships began to develop, you were able to be there for each other.

And then it happened….

One more, five more, hundred more and then there were thousands of us. All reaching out and communicating building friendships.

You offer your email, you offer your phone number, you offer yourself and then there becomes nothing left of you.

Honestly people in the community have no clue, well some do, how hard it was to keep up…

When you would confess how overwhelming it was, people would suggest don’t call back, don’t answer, just delete. Their reasoning was usually the same it is only social media. How is that true?

Every word typed on a computer and put into the world of social media is typed by a human being.

Every person who called me, texted me, emailed me and reached out to me was a human being. 

Everyone sharing their love, comfort, their troubles, their fears, their friendship, and their selves with me. 

In the end I failed, instead of helping people or being there, I let so many people down and ended up hurting them.  

When my grandson died, I received emails, text,  messages, cards, and calls from hundreds of people. Every time I tried to respond, more would arrive, or they would respond back making it difficult for me to move forward to the next. It was a vicious cycle but such a beautiful circle of love.

It has been this way for many years, hundreds of communications that I can’t keep up with.

People letting me know they are struggling, reaching out to me. People comforting me during my difficult times, people sharing their accomplishments, so much lost in the magnitude of so many messages.

Because of my inability to manage this I carry a tremendous amount of guilt and heartache.

Some of you know the heartache and tragedies that I have struggled with in my life and the difficulties that played a huge part in this.

I know in my heart I did the best that I could. I know that I never meant to hurt anyone or make them feel less than or not important. I know that mentally, but my heart feels differently. 

It is my fault that someone out there is hurt, lost, feels less than or feels betrayed by me. I was so naïve and unprepared to be able to handle this in a way where this would never happen. I hope one day those I have hurt will be able to understand it was never about them....

That I would never intentionally hurt them and maybe one day they will find it in their hearts to forgive me. 

Because for me it was never just social media, it was about precious people. 

Till the day I die I will be burdened with guilt and heartache that I may have missed someone like Stuart who needed us so desperately.