A Burdened Heart

Everyday when I check my email, I see it staring back at me mocking me, you are NOT brave enough to read me!  Sadly, that is the truth. I cannot bring myself to open and read it, I have no idea what it says but I can make an educated guess. On February 27, 2023, I decided to walk away from the AS community, it was not an easy decision, but it was a decision I felt that I need to make to keep my sanity. I have fought this for many years, some have knowledge why but for the most part I am sure people were stunned, hurt, betrayed, and felt abandoned by my decision, which still haunts me daily.

I decided today was the day that I would finally read the email so I could move past this already, besides I am tired of the emotions it causes me when I open my email and see it sitting there staring back at me.

So…. I did… I can honestly say I was not shocked because over the years I have received many just like this one. Today was a little different I felt no shame or guilt, because over the past few months I have had some brutally honest discussions with myself. One of the greatest gifts that I have learned to do for myself, is to give the gift of forgiveness to me as quickly as I do others.

You should be ashamed of yourself, what a selfish thing for you to do, I expected better of you….

After reading the letter I did not know whether I should reply or not, I mean honestly what they conveyed in that email are things I have said to myself millions of times over the years. You cannot say anything to me that I haven’t said to myself.

The real question for me to answer is do I respond? Do I delete it? Do I save it? Do I even care anymore?

The truth is I do… I thought long and hard about explaining myself and what brought me to this point, but in the end, I chose to do nothing, what can I say that would honestly matter?

That the emails I receive by the hundreds daily since the year 2011, is getting to me? That each person who reaches out to me financial I wish I could help? Each person who reaches out to me needing advice, I wish I had the right words to say. The hundred emails and messages that I find that have been there forever waiting for me, and it brings me to my knees with guilt? That each letter that you can feel the desperation and the knowledge you have firsthand feeling hopeless wanting to end your life, but you say things you had wished someone had said to you? That each time you go to open a message or email you are filled with dread but most of all fear, fear of letting someone down, fear of being too late to help someone, fear you weren’t there for them, fear that they are no longer with us.

I know that on the outside looking in people have no way of knowing the hopelessness and weight that this all carries on your heart and soul.

I am ashamed that I couldn’t be strong enough to continue but the truth of it I did my best, I had no idea how hard it would be later to try to be everything everyone needed even during the times you were struggling to stay afloat. I had no idea how many it would become that would reach out, it all seemed so simple in the beginning, offer love, compassion, and kindness, I mean what could go wrong?

In the end I have decided to just delete it with no response, since there has been no other correspondence since the original email. I just can’t find it in me today, maybe one day I will.

Today I am grateful that I found it in myself to love me enough not to respond and to those who have loved me unconditionally. I pray I will be strong enough not to let the guilt I carry inside my heart destroy me in the end.