I have been working on a Cookie Happier Life Challenge the past year and let me tell you, it isn't as easy or happy as one would think! I mean how hard can it be learning to be your own best friend?
Well let me tell you, this has been one of the hardest challenges of my life and I pray to God in the end it will be worth it. This journey has left me feeling vulnerable, lonely and confused about things. You see one of the challenges in this journey is learning to hold people myself included accountable. I am holding myself and others to the truth of, if your choice the behavior you must accept the consequence of your actions. But that isn't the only hard lesson in this challenge I have encountered, it's learning to be my own best friend and that means learning to be kind to myself and accepting truths about my life with Ankylosing Spondylitis.
I have always been the type of person who didn't ask others for help, for many reasons but mainly because I didn't want to be that person who needed help... for anything.
But I am getting old, and a year without taking Remicade has taken a toll on me, in so many ways.
I try to remind myself to be grateful for all the years that Remicade helped me but I am struggling to do that as pain swallows me day by day.
Today I gave in and admitted that I couldn't do it anymore and needed help....
So I am the newest member of the Click It Club...sponsored by Kroger's.
I will admit to you that while I was ordering my grocery supplies on line I was struggling with so many emotions, which I find ironic since I am one of those women who HATE TO SHOP!
But it's another independence I am losing or giving up and I feel defeated. Slowly, day by day and little by little I am losing my worth to the world and my family and friends...
Order complete, time set, and now we wait.
I go to Kroger's call the number on the sign and wait about 5 minutes or less and then there is Beau.
A sweet young gentleman and all my groceries.
We talk as he loads it up and I explain to him out of guilt of course, the reason I am using this service, not sure why I felt the need to do that but I did.
He says I love my job and would rather do this than any other thing, so my guilt and shame eases.
I wanted him to know I am not a lazy person but I am giving in to the truth of I no longer can do this.
Truck loaded with twice as much as I would normally buy, I head home.
Little by little I unloaded it as pain and stamina would allow.
It was wonderful. I was able to stock up and manage this with minimum pain at a rate that was manageable to me. No having to lay down or take a pain pill.
At the end of my day, I was sitting on my front porch drinking a glass of iced tea, when something caught my eye. Across the street in the field bathed in darkness and a little light was a small fawn and mother, grazing and enjoying their evening supper.
It was beautiful and so amazing watching such a beautiful sight.
Today I am grateful for being the newest member of the Click It Club and for being graced with such a beautiful sight at the end of my day.
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