Today I woke up not being able to "deal" with the struggles of my new reality... so I decided I would have a normal day.
I went to the store to pick up groceries to make homemade sloppy joes, nothing more normal than that. Sloppy Joes, potato chips, dip and Ale 8 one.... perfect meal!
I came home to find my dog having seizures and convulsions and struggling to breathe. Two hours later he is resting well. Mr. Wallie was a little puppy I found in October of 2004. He has suffered from seizures for as long as I can remember. He has developed a very serious health issue and I know that his time left on earth is very minimal. He has been such an easy animal to love and it's been such a blessing and honor to have him.
I didn't call insurances or touch base with anyone I should have today, because every time I attempt to do anything, and I mean anything to do with Hurricane Harvey's aftermath I begin trembling.
I have been having severe chest pains this past week and I know that it's due to stress. I have two notebooks that have notes in them, who I have spoken to, what insurance agent and claim number for all the vehicles damaged. Those notebooks are notebooks from hell and they are sitting on my desk screaming for attention........ so what do I have planned? Today's menu is nothing but good old fashion NORMAL for this old woman.
So first grocery shopping, washing and putting away three loads of clothes. I ate homemade crab dip and tortilla chips, it was wonderful! Is funny how ironic life can be, a month ago I wouldn't have taken such pleasure doing the boring and normal things you do in life, but today that is all I want no that isn't true its what I need to do for today.
So I drag everything out of the cabinet and put it in a laundry basket so I can throw away expired items, and reorganize the cabinet. If I am being truthful it didn't need doing BUT it's something I can do, something I can organize and something I am in CONTROL of.
In the middle of that job, I became so overwhelmed and unable to focus on the task at hand because of all the notebooks and notes on my desk screaming at me that I should be taking care of at this moment that I closed the cabinet door and walked away leaving the bathroom looking like a tornado hit it.
I know I will get through this, BUT IT IS hard... I am unwell my life has very difficult and stressful situations to handle before Hurricane Harvey. I know it will be okay and I will survive this but it doesn't change the fact of how hard this is emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and heartbreakingly devastating this is and how difficult it is to keep track of this and that...making sure you keep all papers and document and claim numbers file numbers straight so you don't screw up. I could go on and on, this is turning me into someone I don't recognize or even know, and I am not sure I like her.
I just wanted today to be normal.... even if only in my little world for a day, that's all.
Please spare me with remember it could be worse or this or that because I promise you I know that... but it's like someone telling you at least Ankylosing Spondylitis isn't cancer, it doesn't make what you are going through any less.
People I know and care for are struggling or have lost everything and it's killing me because I am not in the position to help them. It's hurting me more than I care to admit that people I have been supportive to and helped out in their time of need, pretend to not even know me.
My family is struggling, my community is struggling, my world is struggling and I can't-do a damn thing to help them.
I have spent three weeks spinning my wheels and nothing is changing not to mention the cost being incurred and nothing to show for it. Best Buy, Intuit Quickbooks, and Dell have become my mortal enemies due to unnecessary bullshit and incompetence of their employees. Three weeks in those company and my life is just as it was the day I walked into the office to two foot of water running through it like a river.
It's breaking my heart to watch people put their lives out on the curb for trash pickup. When people drive by they see mountains of debris, I see lives, memories, treasures of a lifetime being discarded as if they were nothing because of being ruined.
For the first time in a LONG time, I hate having Ankylosing Spondylitis because I feel worthless because I can't-do what needs to be done and what I am able to do is so limited. I hate that I feel this way... and I hate the fact that I work so hard to always be so positive and find the blessings but all I feel at this moment is defeat.
I hate that my need to voice what I am feeling emotionally is hurting people I love, making them feel helpless, but if I don't have this safe haven I am going to spiritually and emotionally die.
The bathroom project became so overwhelming for me that it honestly took me by surprise that such a simple project would do me in.
I went and laid down to take a nap, what better way to fix all the struggles in your life than sleep.
I curled up with my five girls, Ms. Kittie, Ms. Daisie, Ms. Poopsie, Ms. Pebbles, and Ms. Piggie for an afternoon nap. Mr. Wallie is the smart one he sleeps in his own bed and doesn't have to share or compete for space.
I never completed the bathroom cabinet project, I figured I could tomorrow.
Supper was good and reminded me of days when I was young and my mother would make us sloppy joes and for a precious moment.... it was a perfectly normal day.
( My life has not always been an easy one, and there were times that gratitude was not my attitude, but over time I began to teach myself to focus on the rainbows during the storms of life. I often tell people I have the worst luck of anyone but I am the most blessed person you will ever meet. I honestly feel that way, and the ability to be able to achieve that way of thinking is what I am most grateful for.)
I went to the store to pick up groceries to make homemade sloppy joes, nothing more normal than that. Sloppy Joes, potato chips, dip and Ale 8 one.... perfect meal!
I came home to find my dog having seizures and convulsions and struggling to breathe. Two hours later he is resting well. Mr. Wallie was a little puppy I found in October of 2004. He has suffered from seizures for as long as I can remember. He has developed a very serious health issue and I know that his time left on earth is very minimal. He has been such an easy animal to love and it's been such a blessing and honor to have him.
I didn't call insurances or touch base with anyone I should have today, because every time I attempt to do anything, and I mean anything to do with Hurricane Harvey's aftermath I begin trembling.
I have been having severe chest pains this past week and I know that it's due to stress. I have two notebooks that have notes in them, who I have spoken to, what insurance agent and claim number for all the vehicles damaged. Those notebooks are notebooks from hell and they are sitting on my desk screaming for attention........ so what do I have planned? Today's menu is nothing but good old fashion NORMAL for this old woman.
So first grocery shopping, washing and putting away three loads of clothes. I ate homemade crab dip and tortilla chips, it was wonderful! Is funny how ironic life can be, a month ago I wouldn't have taken such pleasure doing the boring and normal things you do in life, but today that is all I want no that isn't true its what I need to do for today.
So I drag everything out of the cabinet and put it in a laundry basket so I can throw away expired items, and reorganize the cabinet. If I am being truthful it didn't need doing BUT it's something I can do, something I can organize and something I am in CONTROL of.
In the middle of that job, I became so overwhelmed and unable to focus on the task at hand because of all the notebooks and notes on my desk screaming at me that I should be taking care of at this moment that I closed the cabinet door and walked away leaving the bathroom looking like a tornado hit it.
I know I will get through this, BUT IT IS hard... I am unwell my life has very difficult and stressful situations to handle before Hurricane Harvey. I know it will be okay and I will survive this but it doesn't change the fact of how hard this is emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and heartbreakingly devastating this is and how difficult it is to keep track of this and that...making sure you keep all papers and document and claim numbers file numbers straight so you don't screw up. I could go on and on, this is turning me into someone I don't recognize or even know, and I am not sure I like her.
I just wanted today to be normal.... even if only in my little world for a day, that's all.
Please spare me with remember it could be worse or this or that because I promise you I know that... but it's like someone telling you at least Ankylosing Spondylitis isn't cancer, it doesn't make what you are going through any less.
People I know and care for are struggling or have lost everything and it's killing me because I am not in the position to help them. It's hurting me more than I care to admit that people I have been supportive to and helped out in their time of need, pretend to not even know me.
My family is struggling, my community is struggling, my world is struggling and I can't-do a damn thing to help them.
I have spent three weeks spinning my wheels and nothing is changing not to mention the cost being incurred and nothing to show for it. Best Buy, Intuit Quickbooks, and Dell have become my mortal enemies due to unnecessary bullshit and incompetence of their employees. Three weeks in those company and my life is just as it was the day I walked into the office to two foot of water running through it like a river.
It's breaking my heart to watch people put their lives out on the curb for trash pickup. When people drive by they see mountains of debris, I see lives, memories, treasures of a lifetime being discarded as if they were nothing because of being ruined.
For the first time in a LONG time, I hate having Ankylosing Spondylitis because I feel worthless because I can't-do what needs to be done and what I am able to do is so limited. I hate that I feel this way... and I hate the fact that I work so hard to always be so positive and find the blessings but all I feel at this moment is defeat.
I hate that my need to voice what I am feeling emotionally is hurting people I love, making them feel helpless, but if I don't have this safe haven I am going to spiritually and emotionally die.
The bathroom project became so overwhelming for me that it honestly took me by surprise that such a simple project would do me in.
I went and laid down to take a nap, what better way to fix all the struggles in your life than sleep.
I curled up with my five girls, Ms. Kittie, Ms. Daisie, Ms. Poopsie, Ms. Pebbles, and Ms. Piggie for an afternoon nap. Mr. Wallie is the smart one he sleeps in his own bed and doesn't have to share or compete for space.
I never completed the bathroom cabinet project, I figured I could tomorrow.
Supper was good and reminded me of days when I was young and my mother would make us sloppy joes and for a precious moment.... it was a perfectly normal day.
( My life has not always been an easy one, and there were times that gratitude was not my attitude, but over time I began to teach myself to focus on the rainbows during the storms of life. I often tell people I have the worst luck of anyone but I am the most blessed person you will ever meet. I honestly feel that way, and the ability to be able to achieve that way of thinking is what I am most grateful for.)
Today I am grateful that I have what I need.
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