The Truth Behind My Smile

The date is March 24, 2017.
I am having an amazing time with my daughter.
The location is the Botanical Garden at the Springs Preserve in Las Vegas, Nevada.

The reason I was there was to be interviewed by Dan Reynolds for This AS Life Live... which is an amazing Ankylosing Spondylitis Project.

In the video, it shows me sitting at a table in this beautiful setting waiting for Dan to arrive.

What it doesn't show you is the inner battle that was going on inside me. I was nervous beyond words and could hear all the voices and back ground noises. I was thinking to myself hurry up before I chicken out.

All I could think of was what the hell do I have to offer to this project, I am going to let everyone down and make a fool of myself. I took a deep breath and said you got this.

So, I decided to concentrate and think of things I wanted to say or remember.
It seemed like a lifetime sitting at that table, it wasn't but it seemed like it.

All the sudden my life began replaying in my head and I was brought back to that day...

The day that was THE day.

The day that I finally wrote that letter.

The day that I finally decided to kill myself.

The day that I decided nothing or no one would change my mind.

Circumstances did though.

I've had so many people tell me how beautiful my smile is in this picture.

Isn't it amazing how much pain and sadness a smile can hide?

Just because you are having some bad chapters in your life doesn't mean the story won't end well.
Stop, pause for 24 hours, breathe, rest and try again tomorrow.

It may not be the life you would have chosen for yourself, but it can still be a life you are grateful to live.

Turn the page and never look back, you may just find yourself sitting alone at a table in a beautiful garden waiting for Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons to interview you, I did. I walked away that day with people who would become lifelong friends. Amazing people who care.

If you are struggling please reach out to someone, anyone. Suicide is never the answer, there are people who will help you in any way that you need, you just have to reach out.

Call 988 they will help you.