Cookie Has A.S.: The Keys To My Happiness

"Been there done that…"

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have heard or said that phrase...

Hearing it always affects me the same way…. takes me to a place I would rather forget….it evokes strong images of pain, desperation, and anguish.

I understand is another one… it sometimes brings out anger that I didn’t realize that was inside of me at times.

I do my best as anyone else to always be positive and supportive of people, during their times of need or struggles.

I try my best to be the compassionate and kind person that I want to be

BUT...

One day I told my husband I wished I had a “Cookie” in my life.

How was it I could be sympathetic and understanding toward complete strangers, offering them kindness and compassion of endless bounds, but oddly enough I couldn’t do the same for myself.

I am always amazed when I come across statements such as…. you can’t love others if you don’t love your self first. I am living proof that statement is untrue.

I don’t love myself, never have and it is unlikely I ever will.

Let's go to the place that "been there done that" takes me, during my young adulthood I had come to a point in my life that I no longer wished to live. I had made up my mind to end my life and save my husband of a lifetime of having me for his wife and my daughter having me as a mother.

A woman who was in constant pain all the time, sickly all the time and labeled as a lazy hypochondriac, who had lost the will to try anymore.

I didn’t like the person who stared back at me in the mirror. I was amazed when people told me they loved me. I had a rage toward myself that people didn’t realize that existed inside of me.

Sometimes when I hear someone say, Lord, if I make it through the day… it takes me back to a time when I would pray to make it through the next minute. I felt I might have a chance if I could just manage the next sixty seconds.
It wasn’t just my illness with Ankylosing Spondylitis, but a lot of other circumstances in my life that was making it hard for me to want to live.

It has been a difficult process to bring me to a place that I am able to be so open and truthful about this taboo subject.
I am no longer concerned about the judgments or the lectures that people will do against me because it is too important now… life depends on it… not only mine... but others as well.

It is by chance, that I didn’t succeed in committing suicide.

I struggled with the guilt and shame of “you don”t love me enough?” I struggled with the guilt and shame of willing to take my own life when so many others fight to live.
I won’t apologize and I won’t make excuses for my decisions, it is what it is and I own it. Guilt, shame, judgments, and all.

Many people casually toss out the words… I understand… but believe me, until you can become that person physically and emotionally you really can't. You can do your best to try to understand but everyone’s, battles and circumstances and dynamics are not the same which results in different reactions to different situations.

So I decided to do a Cookie Happier Life Challenge, hardest challenge of my life...
Step one: Be my own best friend! I have worked very hard to not hold my self to a higher standard as I would someone else in the same circumstances. I have worked on being kind, compassionate, understanding and loving to myself as I would others. It hasn't been easy that is for sure but it has been worth it. I have been working on this Cookie Happier Life Challenge for several years, taking each step as long as it takes. I hope that you will find the keys to your happiness.