The What Ifs

  "The What Ifs"

Everyone who has an incurable chronic illness wonders at some time or another, what if and I am no different.

What would my life be like if I did not have Ankylosing Spondylitis?

What would my body look like, would I be taller? Would I be able to move my head? Would I be able to bend? I miss looking up at the stars at night. I miss being able to look down to paint my toes. Little things like that.

What kind of person would I be? What kind of career would I have? Would I be athletic? Would I be selfish? Would I be empathic? Or would I still be the same person, or would I be different? 

That what if game will drive you insane if you let it, this I know to be true. 

Years ago, I was interviewed by Dan Reynolds for a project called This AS Life, live! It was something I will cherish forever. He asked if you could describe your AS in one word, what would it be. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, and I was shocked at the word that came out of my mouth…. Empowering. 

Later, I would challenge myself, why didn’t you say devastating, painful, or terrible because it sure has been. 

Why on earth would I ever say Empowering?

But I wholeheartedly meant what I said.

Ankylosing Spondylitis for me at least has been empowering in certain ways. It is a cruel monster to live with no matter what stage of this disease you are in. But having Ankylosing Spondylitis forced me to dig deep inside myself to find a strength I may never have known existed. Who knows?

This disease gave me no choice but to learn what my true inner strength was or give. I did give up, twice actually. I have been open and truthful about that and a lot of times I do wonder what if or would I?

Would I still be a strong-willed person if I didn’t have AS?

Would I be an empathic person if I didn’t have AS?

Would I be a compassionate person if I didn’t have AS?

Would I be a self-absorbed person if I didn’t have AS?

Would I have been strong enough to endure what life has thrown my way if I didn’t have AS?

If I am going to play the what if game, I must be honest enough with myself to consider I may not have been all of those things. 

But I do know the truth is that because of Ankylosing Spondylitis I want to be…

The best person I can be. A giving person. A person who helps her fellow man. A person who is compassionate and understanding. A person who is strong enough to accomplish things despite having Ankylosing Spondylitis. 

I can’t change the fact that I have Ankylosing Spondylitis or what it is doing to my body, but I still have a choice of what kind of person I want to be. No matter what this disease takes away from me or does to me I still believe in my heart that I am a better person because of Ankylosing Spondylitis.

So, I have finally come to a place in my life where I no longer play the what if game because I am an Ankylosing Spondylitis sufferer, supporter, and survivor. And that will never change. 

Plus, I love saying I am an AS s. What other disease allows you say that? Okay but laughter has helped me to survive this life sentence. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, don’t play the what if game with your life. Either it is or it isn’t. You can’t wish things away.

Find your inner strength to be yourself, stay true to yourself. The magic of your soul is untouchable if you find it within yourself to make it so.

Never lose yourself to what society or other people think you should be. You get to choose who you want the world to see, find the courage to be who you were meant to be.

And if I by some miracle I could change my life and not have Ankylosing Spondylitis, would I? Truthfully? 

No. I wouldn’t because no matter what it does or has done to my body it has given me so many wonderful people, experiences, and memories. I know one hundred percent that if I didn’t have Ankylosing Spondylitis, I wouldn’t have been blessed with all of you and for me personally I wouldn’t change a thing about my AS Life. Plus, I like who looks back at me in the mirror.